Like many, I have been going through exceptional times. Between the normal ups and downs of life, and the pandemic wreaking havoc on every other aspect of it, I am finding myself strained, as I can also see this strain in many others. Like an unbearable weight each carries in silence praying for the end or a sunny outcome. Yet, during this time, I have also encountered numerous moments of judgement, criticism, and plain lack of support. I suppose when everyone is facing an uphill battle in life it is hard to support another along the way, though I did try and found it was just adding to the load I was carrying.
Typically, I carry my problems, issues, heartbreaks, and emotions quietly on my shoulders revealing only to a select few if at all what I am going through. I guess I learned to always be self sufficient and had the mentality that no one wants to hear about my problems. This past year has proved almost too much for me to carry. I have found myself in depressive states, unable to deal and cope at times with the ever-increasing load I was carrying. Yet, through it all I always extended a hand to others when I could, even if it meant sacrificing my own needs. During this time, I found I became a little more reserved, closed off and less active. I gained weight and seemed to be sick a lot more than the usual and not one person asked, but many judged.
When I would hear or when I found out when someone made comments about my weight gain or illness, I would shrug it off and put it with the load I was already carrying. Luckily, I have thick skin, so I let it roll off my oversized load I was carrying. But inside it was eating me alive, and honestly it still is. Women can be each other’s biggest supporters and at the same time be the first ones to belittle, a tragedy in the sense of how far women have come. I find myself asking why people feel more apt to judge and comment than they do to offer help, support, or advice. Is it that maybe they feel the same but do not want someone noticing so they capitalize on the moment they can deflect? I cannot imagine any of it is in a malicious manner. Maybe we as women were always taught and groomed to compare instead of helping.
I wish more women would step forward and admit that life had been too much, or that they carried too much and allow other women to help them through it without comparison, judgement, or fear. I wish that friendship and family meant more than what it has become. I wish women would take a moment to step back and think if I am going through this, maybe my neighbor, co-worker or friend is and instead of judging I should reach out a kind hand. I suppose I wish I did not have to carry everything I have by myself for all this time.