Pursuit of Love: Part 4 - Faux Love is not Fake

We have all encountered a love that changed us, broke us, healed us and some of us still hang onto that love, but was is real or faux? A faux love is not fake, but derived from what our minds wanted to see and believe.

In the Pursuit of Love series, we have looked at Love on many levels and idealisms. But not faux love, is that really a thing? We can manifest feelings of love, acceptance, fear, guilt and allow our selves to fall into a faux feeling or emotion because we believed so much that is what we wanted and needed. Faux does not just mean something is fake but that it is also artificial, something we created n our minds instead of allowing it to occur naturally. I just discovered faux love from an article I recently read in Psychology Today but Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. The link is below (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sticky-bonds/201107/lost-loves-real-or-faux)

For Real Faux Love

Faux love is mainly associated with young love that was forced apart but upon further research I also see that it is associated with how we manifest ides in our minds. How we wish for things to work out, be what we dream and therefore create a love, that while it may feel true and you may have the most sincere intention, in the long run it dies out and you are left broken hearted wondering why. So, I asked a few friends about their moments with a lost love, a love they walked away from and what they thought love was. I was pleasantly surprised at the vulnerability they showed and the different views on love. Some agree it is pure, honest, forgiving and others see it is different levels from romantic to working relationships. Love is truly something enigmatic and enticing which is why so many seek it out. To many, love is the roots of a solid foundation. Yet, I am discovering that many who did answer my questions all agree that they learned to love themselves and be by themselves after losing the love they knew. Healing from a lost love, broken love or even faux love is a journey every person handles differently. I am still on my journey and from the information I have received, these people have spent over 5 years or more searching within themselves before finding the love within them.

Healing a Broken Heart

Answers as to why the love is lost or broken are so different and based on perception. Some grow apart, some had to move away, then some were broken, cheated and people changed into people that the other did not know anymore. I have found that most do not focus on the why but the what next. Healing a broken heart is more than just crying and moving forward. You need to find the root cause, the reason it didn’t work out and accept your part in all of this. That can take years to figure out on your own or you can pay for a therapist to push you into the uncomfortable to find the real reason. Once you discover that, healing is still not so easy but easier to understand. Again, healing is at each person’s own pace and discretion. What may take one person years to figure out can take another a few months, we cannot compare our broken hearts and healing process, but we should all be open to extending grace to someone going through it. We just need to make sure that we heal the right way, the way that will make us stronger and better. Sometimes we need to talk about it, write it down, cry it out, isolate ourselves from love in order to gain clarity again. One thing I have learned from this is that, it is possible to heal, maybe not forget but heal.

Take Off the Blinders

Everyone who answered agreed they truly felt their love was real, sincere and was something that would last forever. What I did notice was the trend of most not seeing the downfall despite the avalanche. That is because when we love we throw on blinders and put all our faith in the fact that the love we share with someone will trump anything. With this we create a faux love, one we manifested out of our thoughts that we can make this work. When we fell in love under false pretense, ignored red flags and signs or behaviors that would indicate the relationship would not last, we may involuntarily choose to put on blinders. Many do this out of fear of being alone or the fear of losing the idea of love they have manifested in their minds. Then again, some of us fall in love for who the person is, not who they become over time. Then I read this quote “The crucial difference between a faux relationship and one that is substantial is the capacity for growth.”

(you can read this article here https://www.huffpost.com/entry/faux-vs-full-is-your-true_b_10943540?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAANlKE1UheTGtYnFpgc5JAZIfbaDEDuEfTByoWYZJCArBcT4wPc8bslozltp6F2ewpnif9uszGPF2iihjvETT2pIcHbydByf1i49xQ7SzDSKwVLi2WPC0kK6KS0LaSu7fhEDK5qEAIg8KUgWEi38I0V3pVQfsn4HMtqk9YuCGHk3H )

Growth in Love is not Faux

When we find someone, who makes our heart skip a beat and fall in love with them, we must try to limit the size of our blinders. If you do not see growth in the relationship it probably isn’t going to last. This does not mean we do not love the person, yet we love parts of the person. I believe this is where levels of love and understanding one’s love language really plays out. We can love someone’s feisty spirit, spontaneity and humor but over time those things can be the same things that drive us crazy. It does not mean we didn’t love them we just ignored the parts we didn’t love, and love is not about picking and choosing what to love but loving unconditionally. Again, faux love is not fake it just means our mind chose to only focus on a few good things. I never realized how little growth there was in my last relationship, I was so focused on making the “love” work. Yes, I loved him, but only parts of him and yes, I tried to recreate the parts I didn’t like. I truly believe my love was real, but it was faux, because my mind manifested what I wanted to see and over time, like a knock off purse, the quality was not what I expected. I am the one to blame for that because I ignored the fact the growth was not occurring. A few of my participants who answered the questions really thought their lost love was real but knew it wouldn’t last and a couple believed it was true and based on their answers, it was. What they didn’t account for was love is a two-way street and while you may have true love, the other person may be experiencing faux love. You grow together and sometimes that growth is apart.

Love is Complicated

Love is not easy because if it was, we wouldn’t be so heartbroken when it doesn’t work out. Love that doesn’t work out can be true, and it can be faux. Learning to distinguish when love allows for growth, acceptance and encompasses all areas of who the person will create a love that is true and hopefully long lasting. Again, just because you find that “true” love doesn’t mean it will last forever, but if we went into love thinking how long this will last, we might as well just walk away. Be rightful to not allow our minds to create a faux love that will not only damage us but the other party. We can blame them all we want but if we create a love that is faux and it all crashes down, we played a part in that as well. Love to love, love on all levels and with all cylinders. Love because you feel your heart being drawn but that does not mean force that love to be something more than it is. I am finding out how it is ok to love slowly, with personal space and trust. From what I read from the people I interviewed is it is also ok to not love, until you are ready. Also, that loving yourself is more rewarding than trying to love someone else expecting happiness. I suppose that is a whole other topic on finding your own happiness and not seeking it from others because you are just creating a faux happiness. So, don’t faux anything, sit back be patient, take it all in and love on levels, love parts just don’t confuse that with forced fake love. If only I could go back and make amends with the loves, I tried to force to be real. But like love that too is complicated especially when it will hurt you or the person you wish to make amends with. So spread love, give your love away in many ways, levels and daily.