Rediscovering Myself

When you self reflect you tend to analyze, correct and mark flaws you wish to change. Unexpectedly you start to rediscover yourself and see beyond the walls....

Not to live for the day, that would be materialistic — but to treasure the day. I realize that most of us live on the skin, on the surface, without appreciating just how wonderful it is simply to be alive at all. ~ Audrey Hepburn

Finding Me

When you write about your life, it forces you to reflect at a very deep level. Most of us have reflected on our lives at some point, whether to make a change or to better ourselves. I have always been a fan of self-assessment while trying to see the situation from all angles. Though I am no therapists and certainly have made many bad decisions, I try to learn from each one. But writing, your life, detail after detail, it can be exhausting. Reliving things you forgot or didn't wish to remember can be rattling. I found myself pacing the house with anxiety after spending three hours typing away at memories. Key after key as if they were just jumbled letters placed in a specific order to create a sentence.

I found myself in deep thought, reflecting back on some moments in my life I had wished to never relive. Moments, I wished I could have reacted differently. Yet, here I am years later reflecting on what ave done, should have done. Wondering i fit would alter my current position in life. I sat watching the rain hit the window pane, realizing I was not just reliving memories, I was rediscovering who I am. The real inner me, the one with all the baggage, issues, pain and hurt.

Wondering how one can take all that was and make a future that is so much better. Being stuck in this world without a vision, has been painful, isolating and lonesome. I do not want anyone to come fix me, or give me advice. I want to figure this out on my own and become the best version of me I can be. I am realizing that upon rediscovering my self I am grieving the person I was once before. That is mind twisting to the least and definitely unsettling when that is the only comfort you know. But I am resilient and strong, defiant and purposeful in my actions.

I will rediscover who I am and hold onto the pieces from my past that made me who I am at the moment. Transforming yourself into a better version is quite possibly the most difficult humbling experience and I am certain it requires some level of self isolation. I will come out of this reshaped into the most amazing beautiful woman I can possibly be, even if it is only mediocre to some.