Restless Soul

Restless...It is the only word that can describe my inner most feeling right now. I am restless. I am ungrounded and unhinged from any type of normalcy because my soul cannot find that comfortable spot to just relax. I have experienced some ups and downs the last two years, more like my entire life, but mostly the last two years that have had me ponder many things and ask many questions. I have written about my inability to stick to a task, commit to well just about anything and even focus on what I think I want. Today as I was walking to check the mail a third time, on a holiday, it hit me. I am restless. My mind is in so many places my soul has no where to just be.

I have tried prayer, it works but for some reason I cannot commit to it long term. I write but seemed to wander off that path as well. I tried to read but my thoughts overtake the words I see when processing them. I am completely and utterly restless in all aspects of my life. I suppose it could be worse but for me this is a merry go round that is only going faster with no intent on stopping. Like a boat stuck out to sea during a hurricane with no where to go and the chances of it not be obliterated are low. Yet, I continue to fight to settle myself, settle my thoughts and discover why my soul is so uneasy. It seems even trying to follow a passion fizzles out quickly.

I am a creature of habit and routine definitely helps but it seems mine is constantly changing and well I am not one to accept change very well. I eventually adapt but typically lose a piece of real estate that my soul relied on to rest. I can see this occurring yet I cannot do anything to stop or prevent it. Then again, maybe its my thinking that interferes with that. I try to balance out thoughts with reality and yet still come out restless and uneasy. I have struggled for years with the feeling on everything being non-permanent. So I wondered have I gotten so used to things falling apart that I cannot accept when they are status quo? That really can make a soul restless always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Only I am not Cinderella and I am not about to lose my show at a ball. I am just a normal person who has been so restless for so long that I am becoming void of any feelings that last.

I have read self help books and even tried meditating, which is way harder than you think when your mind is not still. I have confronted my issues head on and yet they still seep back up and it is because my soul is restless. So how does one find what their soul is seeking in order to regain any sense of being and learn to be still? I guess this is part of my journey of discovering who I am beyond a mom and face life hood traumas that have changed and shaped me. Because when you don't deal and accept those issues and moments how can i expect my soul to feel rested.